Watching Coronation Street’s Mary discuss exorcisms with vicar Billy last night, could it be that the Iron is in the grip of a demonic jinx which can only be expunged with the intervention of a priest?
Apparently, the church still performs them, and probably believes in witches too.
So, in view of the seemingly inescapable calamitous performances of the club in recent years, which has left fans and management in purgatory, I hereby commend a prayer to exorcise the evil spirits which have infected GP.
Warning: To be said by a Priest only, strolling around the pitch, terraces and boot room:
Pray to the spirit of Jack Brownsword,
In the name of the Prawns
And of the Son,
And of the Sands and fans.
Most glorious Prince of the Heavenly Footballing Armies,
Saint Jack B.
Defend us in our battle against goals conceded, and goal scoring impotence,
Defend us against the spirits of wickedness in the penalty area,
Defend us against the rulers of this world of empty stadiums.
Exorcism
Behold the Badge of the Club, and flee bands of evil spirits!
The Lion of the tribe of Juda, the offspring of David, hath conquered!
(cue Bob Marley’s ‘Iron Lion Zion’ over the PA)
We drive you from us,
Unclean spirits,
All satanic powers,
All wicked legions, assemblies and sects.
By the power of Jackie Brownsword, may you be snatched away and driven from GP, and the souls who flock therein, may they be redeemed by the Precious Blood of the Divine Lamb, not forgetting the Symbols of the Iron Chain and Bar.
Most cunning serpent, you shall no more dare to deceive the management, torment the supporters or persecute the good men and women of the Bru, nor sift them as wheat.
The sacred badge of the Iron commands you, as does also the power of the mysteries of the supporters, who have declared that the gates of hell shall not prevail against this club, built on the firm rock of the quicksands, now and all days, even to the end of the world.
Thus, cursed dragon, and you, diabolical legions, we adjure you now … Stop your cavorting and deceiving our young players, and pouring out to them the poison of eternal damnation! Stop harming the manager, the chairman and the club, hindering its prospects and liberty!
Begone, Satan! Begone inventor and master of all deceit, enemy of the club’s salvation in League 2!
Turn and flee when we invoke the terrible name of Jack Brownsword, the name which causes all hell to tremble, this name to which the virtues, powers and dominations of heaven are humbly submissive, this name which the Cherubim, Seraphim and Botham praise unceasingly.
Now, let us pray to the footballing God
For Thou art the Creator of all things football – visible and invisible, even in VAR.
We humbly prostrate ourselves before Thy glorious Majesty and beseech deliverance
From their snares, lies and their furious wickedness.
Deliver us, O Lord, deliver us above all from non-league football.
We beseech Thee to hear us.
That Thou may crush down all enemies of the Iron:
We beseech Thee to hear us.
IronIronIronIronIronIron (ad nauseum)
.
